Anxiety Disorders: A Rant, A Story, and Some Advice.
Subject: Anxiety Disorders
Please Note: This isn’t directed at anyone specifically, just an observation and something I feel strongly about. This also contains some very personal information about myself that I normally wouldn’t talk about. However… I think it could help
I see it all the time now, people post about how they couldn’t talk to that one person because of Social Anxiety or how they relate to a few Anxiety Cat posts and BOOM obviously they must have one of those anxiety disorders being talked about online. That wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t see people out of the blue posting all the time like its a badge of honor That excuses them for doing anything awkward or at least making attempts at being social.
Anxiety is very real and everyone experiences it a severe type of it at least once during their life. It sucks and a lot of the time require medication or some sort of therapy to sort out. With that being said there is a big difference between relating to the Anxiety Cat meme and being medically diagnosed with Severe Anxiety Disorder. Whether its Social, General, or whatever, if you think you might have an Anxiety disorder of any kind, or if you’re just experiencing an unnatural amount of constant stress… Go see a doctor and get help, it’ll help, more than you know.
That’s what I finally decided to do last year. I was having daily panic attacks over nothing and I sorta felt that this wasn’t normal. I was being paralyzed by an unknown fear in stupid situations at inconvenient times. Then I felt even worst because "Obviously it’s just me and I’m just messed up" I was completely convinced that if I brought up how I was feeling or how I was over stressed about everything everyday. I’d be either laughed at or get told I’m just being a wimp.
Can you imagine standing in front of a classroom door for the entire length of class, 4 hours, too scared to enter because I was 4 minuets late? I can. I can also recall blaming myself for just being "lazy" because I couldn’t ” just get over it”
Let me break down how I felt daily all day because of this just in case you’re interested:
- Every day I was afraid; of what could happen, that I may have screwed up in the past and the consequences are about to hit, and everything that I was currently doing was somehow wrong and I’m a bad person.
- Guilt. Soooo much guilt. "What’s wrong?" people would ask. "Nothing, nothing. No worries! I’m great." Initially it wasn’t bad but then I felt bad for lying to all the people who cared about and loved me. They would reach out to me with love and I would become so scared that they would judge me horribly if I wasn’t happy.
- I wasn’t going to class. I couldn’t. I had missed a day or did poorly on a project and obviously now the professor and whole class thinks I’m stupid and its pointless to try. That doesn’t mean I didn’t go to my school for the 4 hours 8 Hours of classes I would have that day. No I would hover outside the door too afraid to go in. Afraid of nothing. I also blamed myself for this. I was lazy. I was stupid. I’m not trying hard enough… I need to try harder.
- I was constantly mad at myself. “Why can’t I just stop feeling like this?!” It was clear to me that it was because I wasn’t either tough enough or I was too lazy.
I’ll tell you right now, feeling what I just went over, every single moment of every single day… takes an emotional toll on you, a big one. I guess it I realized that when I had to pull over on the side of the road because I started sobbing for no reason.
I really don’t want to go into any more details about what happened next I’m embarrassed to even have written this much. All I will say, is that I see a doctor once a week to just talk and discuss how I’m feeling. I don’t think that’s anything to be ashamed of because I look forward to talking and saying whatever is on my mind. I still have bad anxiety and chances are I’ll have it for a long time. I am however learning to manage it and I’m much more open about talking to people about it, even if I don’t like to bring it up most of the time.
So that’s my “Anxiety Story” I’m not posting it to get sympathy, or help, or attention. It’s purely for people who think they have any sort of anxiety disorder, no matter how small. I mentioned it before, go see a doctor and yes you will feel awkward, and yes you will hate the stares you think you’re getting, or you can swear the receptionist is talking shit about you when you walk in. I know how it feels and you can’t make that just “go away” But please do me a favor but mostly do yourself a favor and bear with it, long enough to talk to a doctor about everything you’re feeling. The longer you delay it the worst it’ll be when you hit a snapping point. I delayed it for 3-4 years, and it feels much worst going in after waiting that long and holding it in.
Anxiety Disorders are not funny, cool, or an excuse. It’s a hurdle that I believe will make me a stronger person one day because I don’t want to afraid of everything. Take it one day at a time. Trust me, when you actively try to help yourself you feel stronger and better. I refuse to rely on medication my entire life and I’ll get off of it as soon as I can.
I’m fucking 8-Bit Mickey. I got a reputation to keep.
I love you all I how you all are #8BitWinning
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